Dumb little quips that inspire.

theonion:

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

LOUISVILLE, KY—In light of disturbing footage obtained by undercover activists, pizza franchise Papa John’s came under fire Friday for the company’s cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate its pizza sauce. “These poor monstrosities are being kept in cramped, dark pens with little light or fresh air for the sole purpose of extracting fresh tomato sauce from their teat-like protuberances,” said PETA spokesperson Jasper Dornhoff, adding that the grotesque creatures were covered in infected sores from biting one another and that many appeared to be wallowing in their own garlicky waste all the way up to their haunches. “Papa John’s is profiting from the suffering of these beasts so they can continue to produce the millions of pizzas consumed by the public every year. No living thing on earth should have to spend its life pumped up with hormones and milked for its sauce almost constantly, not even able to nurse its own calves.” At press time, a Papa John’s representative warned that any humane changes to the sauce creatures’ environment would negatively affect that special Papa John’s flavor.

(Source: slypopasquat, via calisasuke)

theonion:

SEATTLE—Reporting that millions of customers had already signed up for the feature in the few hours since its launch, Amazon announced a new service Friday that comes to your house and kills you. “Amazon has always offered unparalleled customer service and convenience, and Amazon Slay is part of that philosophy,” said company spokesperson Leslie Rivera, adding that the service, which allows customers to choose between being shot, strangled, or beaten to death with one of several available blunt objects, was currently only available to Amazon Prime customers but would be expanding in coming months to satisfy the unprecedented demand. “In addition to giving subscribers the choice of multiple disposal options, including having their bodies buried in a shallow grave in the wilderness or being dissolved in a barrel of acid, Amazon Slay also features real-time text alerts that let you know exactly when one of our employees will be arriving at your home to take your life, or the life of a friend or relative if you choose the gift option.” At press time, Amazon announced it was working to improve the service’s compatibility with Amazon Echo so that customers could simply have their Alexa digital assistant kill them directly.

theonion:

Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay

CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay. “It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent since Red Lobster was founded in 1968,” said Roger Gross, researcher at the Marine & Environmental Research Institute, adding that the rate at which Red Lobster has been harvesting biscuits from the bay was unsustainable, causing them to shrink precipitously not only in number but also in size.

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theonion:

NEW YORK—Releasing the records in hopes of reducing automobile accidents nationwide, 1-800-EAT-SHIT on Tuesday finally published decades of reckless-driving data. “These documents catalogue millions of reported moving violations from the sticker’s debut in 1987 and provide valuable information that hopefully will help keep everyone safer on the road,” said head researcher Lydia Cattalone, explaining that the reports based on the hotline calls, breaking down the frequency with which motorists forgot to signal, sped through toll booths, and cut other drivers off over a 30-year period, could potentially decrease automobile deaths by up to 15 percent. “When we first proposed the idea of a bumper sticker as a means of data collection, it was considered rather unorthodox, but it has paid off with a massive repository of vital information. We, of course, would like to thank all of our volunteer respondents, whose passionate and consistent reporting made the whole 1-800-EAT-SHIT project possible.” Cattalone went to say that any peer reviewers seeking to challenge the survey’s methodology or criticize its findings can also call the number.

(Source: vikings-and-scots, via scotpfv)

(via b0ss-h0gg)